Freebies

Frozen Yogurt is the Anti-Christ in which we are all addicted to. And I am not racist enough to go so far as to say that we are not all African American or Hispexican, but we do love FREE things, and possibly deep fried watermelons showered with sweet Churro dirt. So next time you find yourself 5 blunts away from sober, venturing off to your local self-serving, cream-fixin’ center, feel free to grab your pint-sized bucket of inevitable godliness, fill ‘er up with contradicting ingredients, step on out of line, and meander opposite of the cash register towards the bathroom [yogurt in hand!]. If vacant, let yourself in, lock the door behind you, sit on the toilet, and ENJOY your free dessert, but refrain from sharing with the toilet gnomes [if approached by such dubious ruffians].

Here are some concoctions I stumbled across on Frozen Yogurt Forums when I was pulled over for heroin use without a seatbelt or, as you may know it, diacetylmorphine time and driving, along the Internet Superhighway. Enjoy at your own risk.

Oreo’s Treasure Chest

Oreo Tart, Oreo cookies, drenched in Chocolate Syrup, Nickels, and Skittle cores [no shells]

Sweet Dreamer

Candy Cane yogurt, Santa’s Jolly Sexcrement, dipped in High Fructose Corn Syrup, and Liquid Cocaine and topped with Abominable Ass Dandruff.

The Hot Tamale Position

Tapatio Tart, stuffed in Red Vines showered with Crushed Red Pepper, Hot Tamale Candies, and Magma Chunks then farted on by Wes Craven.

The Day Raper Skewers

Blueberry Tart and Strawberries, Kobe Beef and Cankle Sweat deep fried in a 10 Cent Lemonade drizzled with Madame Butterfly’s Sins.

Hot Pocket Surprise

A Hot Pocket with a surprise your rectum will never forget but you'll want to. We can't give it away!

Terence’s Tasty Pajama Party

Plain Tart, Pussy Eczema Flakes from my sunburn't scotum mixed with Inner Thigh Dirt, boiled and tossed on Vermicelli all sneezed on by deaf children.

The 1 Two Ten

Dragonfruit Yogurt smothered with an Ovarian Omelet topped with Powdered Sugar and the Hope of Ten Homeless Men.

Dad’s Choice

No Yogurt because he told you it’d spoil your dinner but you go with Mango-Peach anyway, which leads to a Full Grained Chrome-tanned Leather Belt wrapped in a delectable touch of Barbed Wires and Strike-Anywhere Matches, all deep fried in Salty Tears, Chewing Tobacco and sautéed in your fears.

Flying

I believe most of us have forgotten the simplicity in flying. It’s not brain-rocket-surgery-science, folks. The mechanics and fundamentals [as well as the anatomy for perplex creatures such as eagles, swallows, dragons, phoenices [now the plural for phoenix], griffins, bat-falcons, Cheap Cheaps [copyright], and ostriches [one of the more lazy and more corpulent birds in the Sruthionidae family] just disguise flying to be this pre-conceived notion just short of nonviable. But don’t fall for such fabricated wing-flapping foolery [also see; Cassowaries] and adhere to my 3 easy steps to flying; crash course of course.

Step 1: As valid as Santa Clause still is during our time and age, so is Tinker Bell, except she makes her appearance known, more supple, and comes sporadically as opposed to once a year. She’s also exponentially more petite, miniature, and attractive. Her sleek tender legs and mini skirt combo often lead to arousal and alluring possibilities; do not let your hormones take authority. Instead, greet her fashionably and introduce yourself humbly.

Step 2: Think of a happy thought. If your father beat you to indescribable measures without mercy or to a ruddy stained bloodbath of memory loss [until I reminded you] I advise you to stray from such thoughts. The most common thoughts are of making sex, money, or ice cream. Some kind of delectable treat or snack might help for more hefty individuals [see; Americans]. A stimulant might help as well [see; marijuana, reefer, and ganja. Possibly ‘shrooms] but be sure attend to these narcotics before the neurotic fairy arrives for she is an advocate of staying above the influence. Once the happy thought is embedded within, refrain from all heroine use and electrolyte intake.

Step 3: Lay back and let the pixie dust shower over you. A tingly sensation might occur but this is normal. All side effects will most likely occur [all at once] that include:

Heart failure

Acrophobia or fear of heights

Depression

Short-term memory loss

Erectile Dysfunction

Drowsiness

Nose bleeds

Nausea

Breaking out in Song & Dance

Heroic adventures

Loss of appetite

Pregnancy

Malformation of lower intestines

Increase in gas prices